Tail-Light On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says "Yeah." The cop says, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." Gleek A Greek Restaurant owner daily teased his Chinese neighbor whenever he met him. "How much is the flied lice today?" The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant and decided to avoid the Greek owner. One day the Chinese owner decides to go for elocution lessons and after three months of intense learning, he decides to confront the Greek with his new skill. When the Greek sees the Chinese owner he asks the usual question, "How much is the flied lice?" The Chinese replies confidently: "It is not flied lice, It is fried rice, you flucking Gleek plick!!!!" Sickness One day a co-worker told my friend, Stan, that she was going home early because she didn't feel well. Since Stan was just getting over something himself, he wished her well and said he hoped it wasn't something he had given her. A fellow worker piped up, "I sure hope not. She has morning sickness." TV Position A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied. Together Maria, a woman who was extremely religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because she felt that birth control was going against God's will. She and her husband had seventeen kids. Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, Maria moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to use protection because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband have fifteen kids. Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after her husband's death, she passed away as well. At the ceremony at the cemetery the priest looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said, "They're finally together." This confuses one of the family members at the service and after the ceremony, asks the priest. "Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when you said, 'they're finally together,' did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The father takes a long look and him and says, "I was talking about her legs. Where are We? A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town in Florida spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng." Medical Diagnosis One night Sam went out drinking only to find the next morning he had two rings around his penis.  Immediately he went to the doctor. The doctor, after the exam, said, "I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is the red ring is lipstick.  The bad news is the brown ring is Skoal chewing tobacco." Hallmark Reject: You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. Charade The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade.  A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a  TV special.  He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television.  The Charade player agrees. Comes the big night, all the world is watching.  The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds. The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini." The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done i!.  That's the right answer.  You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and hands him a check for a million bucks. Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it. "It's really simple," says the charade player.  "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture." "Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump." Tattoo A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants  a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." A Good Gift A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"